Make it a double (tall)

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More About

• Howard Schultz
• Seattle SuperSonics
• NBA Northwest Division
• National Basketball Association
• KeyArena

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STARBUCKS CHAIRMAN Howard Schultz will need some of his much-vaunted marketing genius to turn around his lethargic new franchise. Fortunately, as the lead investor in the January 11th $200 million purchase of the Sonics, the King of Caffeine has already got some early ideas for reinvigorating the squad:

• To keep All-Star Gary Payton from fighting with his lame teammates and prevent further suspensions, switch the Glove to decaf and change his nickname to "Mellow Roast."

• Replace Vin Baker's daily dose of Prozac with double espressos during each time-out. While we're at it, give Sonic President Wally Walker a caffeine boost too. Our last unleaded manager, Paul Westphal, is one of the reasons we're in this mess.

• Rename KeyArena "KeyAroma," with free refills available—and perhaps necessary!--for anyone willing to sit through an entire game.

• Replace hoary, stinking, flea-bitten Squatch with friendly new hyperactive bean mascot "Jumpin' Java Jiveman," who shoots free Starbucks merchandise into the crowd. (No tipping, please.)

• Supply pre-game national anthem and halftime entertainment by Schultz's friend and favorite musician: Kenny G!

• No free company pastries for Vin Baker! If he doesn't lose some weight, repackage the fat-ass forward with the moniker "Special Brew" and sell him at a discount to any team foolish enough to swallow his $87 million contract.

• To promote competition within the region, put up another taxpayer-funded stadium right next to KeyArena; label it "Seattle's Best Arena" to house an NBA expansion team (the Seattle Home Brews?), then let the two organizations duke it out.

• Seattle Center International Fountain will now spout jets of—yes, you guessed it—piping hot House Blend.

• Tre-motion: Each time a Sonic sharpshooter nails a three-pointer, free triple shots delivered courtside.

• Have Schultz convince his buddy Magic Johnson to come out of retirement for one last Demitasse Denouement tour.

• Inspired by caf頡u lait, introduce the ferocious new French Press defense.

• As a management perk, have publicly owned Seattle Center green space turned into Howard Schultz's personal driveway.

• Promote eco-friendly image for Nigerian rookie center Olumide Oyedeji—he's shade-grown!

• Package best Kevin Calabro play-by-play calls on CDs to be sold at Starbucks Hear Music listening kiosks, replacing tepid jazz and tired folk discs. (Yes, Lyle, that means you.)

• Teach elder statesman Patrick Ewing how to pour a half-caf triple-tall mocha—he'll need another job next season when his knees, ankles, back, and legs go.

• KeyArena Drive-Up Coffee Window—staffed by topless Sonic dancers! (Your tipping is appreciated; lap dances extra.)