Cost: $2,795
Considering that candy gets your woman randy and diamonds are, in the eternal words of Marilyn Monroe, “a girl’s best friend,” chances are you’ll get laid this Christmas thanks to the Dandy Candy-Color Bracelet. This beauty’s got it all: emeralds to make her feel like a green girl once again, sapphires to bring out her true-blue eyes, rubies to match the fire in her soul, and diamonds to let her know that someone’s not as chintzy as she thought him to be. Better beg for some loving quick—a diamond’s sparkle lasts forever while your looks fade with each holiday. 18-karat white gold; 8 inches in length. Where: Ross-Simons, 1-800-556-7376.
Cost: $1,000
When you were pretending to be the tooth fairy, $1 was fine. For your niece’s 10th birthday, $10 sufficed, and $25 was satisfactory for her high-school graduation. Last Easter, $50 made your recently laid-off brother glow with gratitude, and $100 caused your appreciative wife to teasingly call you “sugar daddy” one random summer day. But this Christmas, $1,000 and not one penny less will make your son love you for the devoted dad that you are. Why $1,000, you ask? Some reasons most anyone would give: It covers one month’s rent with a bit left over for bills and food, or pays for a plane ticket to any less-expensive country in the world, or can dress a money-less mofo up like a high roller for one night on the town (white limo included). Need more reasons? One grand is worth far less than your special son and far more than you’re going to be to that same broke-ass boy if you don’t deliver this year. Now, about your niece’s wedding next month . . . Where: Your bank account.
Cost: $849
Good news for those of you who don’t use a personal computer on a regular basis: You won’t be rounded up and shipped down to a compound in New Mexico for the US Archaic Cultures Case Study until after the new year. That means there’s still time (holidays, anyone?) for you to get acquainted with these complex little units that help make up the American system of technocracy under which we live. (In case you didn’t know, democracy went out with November’s election.) The Gateway Essential PC comes with a Gateway Flex Case design that allows you to use the hardware as a traditional desktop or an upright tower; from there, it’s up to you to discover Word, Quark, screen savers, printing, the Internet, wallpaper, MP3s, AOL, chat rooms, eBay . . . Computers and the technocrats who employ them know no boundaries. Where: Gateway, www.gateway.com.
Cost: $160
The essential home accessory this winter, the Rustic Deer Lamp will turn any ho-hum living room into a ho-ho-ho cozy cabin hideaway! More politically correct than the traditional taxidermy alternative, this sculpted resin deer head is charmingly realistic without being prone to the mange or mold that plagues actual stuffed and mounted trophies, plus the lightbulb fixtures on the antler rack will lend a homey glow to your hearth. Undeniable country chic, this above-the-mantle masterpiece is sure to please the hearty hunters on your list—or anyone who has always wanted a well-behaved pet that stays out of the way. Where: Casual Living, 1-888-228-7726 or www.CasualLiving.com.
Cost: $69.50
This cozy Polartec Snuggle Sack will remind you of all those great times you had climbing into flour sacks as a kid. What? You didn’t? Well, now you can make up for lost time—it isn’t too late to experience all the unique pleasures that sacks can bring—and they’re even more enjoyable when they’re made of fleece and come in colors like powder blue and dusty violet. You’ll be having a ball as you kick up your heels around the tree, but be careful near those Hanukkah candles—fleece is mighty flammable! With its classic lines and all-in-one shape, the Sack is the perfect holiday outfit: friendly to your eggnog-expanded waistline and a great excuse to avoid chores and cleanup (but I can’t walk in my Snuggle Sack!). Where: Land’s End, 1-800-356-4444 or www.landsend.com.
Cost: $48
If you’ve ever wondered about the sexual orientation of your blazing hot golf caddie or the gorgeous hunk selling balls behind the counter, the elegant Rainbow Pride Golf Club gives you a foolproof way to find out. A well-designed and functional gift, the club’s tasteful rainbow decal is just declarative enough to transform the golf green from the last “don’t ask, don’t tell” frontier into a fantastic gay-pride freedom romp. Whipping this club out of the proverbial bag is a kick and makes a positive statement to every stodgy old fool on the green. Of course, it’s also a great gift for Mom, Dad, or Grandma if they’re ready to support you on your course. Where: Good Catch, 1-800-77-CATCH or www.goodcatch.com.
Kate Chynoweth and David Massengill
