IT WAS CLOSE, but we’ve officially been spared having our own Strom Thurmond-like senator-for-life continuing to sabotage the environment, health care, school safety, and gay rights. So what’s our carpetbagging career politician from New England planning to do in his golden years? While the old coot was nodding off during a conciliatory press conference, Seattle Weekly managed to sneak into Skeletor’s briefcase and nab his list of retirement to-dos:
Conduct university seminar titled “How to Be Arrogant, Smug, and Intellectually Dishonest—and Succeed in 42 Years of Electoral Politics!”
Mow lawn.
Find a way, outside public office, to continue lifelong mission of corporate whoring.
Lobby for gold-mining companies to establish cyanide-leach mines in all currently active state volcanoes.
Polish white trash poseur act prior to induction into the Eastern Washington Hall of Fame in Soap Lake.
Pay more attention to family seafood business. See why we’re not selling more canned dolphin meat.
If George W. offers cabinet post, insist on being appointed new Anti-Special Rights for Native Americans Czar.
Challenge that wimpy, liberal pro wrestler He-Man to a cage match. See if I can get it televised on WCW Raw.
Make pipeline routing more regionally balanced by encouraging my old pals at Koch Industries to lay gas lines under every major thoroughfare in Western Washington. That way, if a pipe blows, Seattle—and all its ungrateful voters!–will bear the brunt of destruction.
Ask Koch Industries heiress Anna Nicole Smith out on a date. (Have a hunch I’m her type.)
Make like Julia “Butterfly” Hill and chain myself to a Columbia River dam—the feds will remove it over my dead body!
See if Heston can get me a cameo in the Planet of the Apes remake, perhaps in the nonspeaking role of Skeleton Discovered in Cave.
Convince Gap stores to use me as chief spokesmodel in their current advertising push of holiday pastels, with emphasis on my signature blue sweater.
Answer unreturned Seattle Weekly phone calls from 1976-2000.
Since radial keratotomy eye operation was such a success, continue youth makeover program of plastic surgery. Next up: botox and varicose veins.
Learn how to type and answer the phone without the benefit of a groveling, subservient 50-person staff.
Have grandchildren teach me how to log onto the Information Superturnpike, or whatever those crazy kids call it.
Once above is accomplished, inquire about Cantwell’s old job at RealNetworks.
Once above is accomplished, start vesting options and working out to kick Patty Murray’s ass in 2004. The voters of Washington state haven’t seen the last of me yet!
