How to Please 'Em

Presents that make a powerful impression

Cost: $99.95

How to make their spines tingle: Any big Anne Rice fans on your list? Someone who still loves to catch The Lost Boys on cable? Give them what they deserve: a gigantic framed bat—the perfect gift for those vampiric souls who feel that cheerful Christmas gifts and handcrafted Hanukkah presents insult their dark, ancient wisdom. Encased in a clear shadowbox with a wood frame, this stupendously large, ratlike creature is displayed with wings fully expanded—over one foot across! This caged cave-dweller certainly will give an underground coziness the living room, kitchen, or office—but whether the creature is dead or undead, only Santa knows for sure. Where: Wall Street Creations, 1-800-575-9255 or www.wallstreetcreations.com.

Cost: $89.98

How to run, not walk, on water: You're addicted to jogging, but after years of pounding the pavement your knees are about to give out. What to do? Ask for Aqua Jogger. Complete with an Aqua Jogger Belt and Aqua Runners, you'll be painlessly peeling away the miles—all in the comfort of your own (or the gym's) pool. You may look about as graceful as a wet dog paddling its way back to shore, but hey, you're burning fat, toning muscle, and canceling potential appointments with your doctor. Where: Road Runner Sports, www.roadrunnersports.com.

Cost: $72

How to avoid crowded produce sections and the bottoms of cow patties: Now that you're an adult, your fantasies about growing your own 'shrooms have evolved from "I could swallow one of those homegrown goodies and trip across the crimson sky" to "I could savor one of those homegrown goodies with a sip of red wine." Your fantasy—at least the latter—has become a reality. Mushroom Logs enable you to grow mushrooms at home, with each log providing several harvests. The Shimeji Mushroom Log, delivered in December, will accentuate your Asian cooking, soups, or sauces. Arriving in January, the Shiitake Mushroom Log provides a woodsy flavor to stews or steaks. The Oyster Mushroom Log goes well with pasta, meat dishes, or your favorite stir-fry. Now if only they sold logs that produced that other kind of 'shroom. . . . Where: Norm Thompson, 1-800-547-1160.

Cost: $39

How to impress the ladies: What could be more fetching than your favorite stud in sequins? Perfect for the wild man-child on your list, this sexy four-button vest sparkles with dazzling shine and turns an ordinary outfit into a festive ensemble that screams "Vegas!" Holiday glamour is now within your grasp, and all you have to do is reach out and grab it—and in this glittering number, everyone will want to grab him as well. If he dares to go bare underneath, he'll bring in big bucks when he dances on the tabletop. Where: International Male, 1-800-293-9333 or www.internationalmale.com.

Cost: $34.95

How to avoid the knife: Still considering silicone implants? Stop right now. Thanks to ShapeUp Silicone-Enhancers, you can own big boobs without the scars, toxins, or other risks that accompany surgical implants. Silicone-Enhancers adapt to body temperature, mold to your breast shape, stay in place, and, for those risqu頰ool parties when you want the wet T-shirt effect going on, are waterproof. Choose between Cup-Enhancers, which increase cup size and fill your bra cup (medium: +? cup, large: +1 cup, extra-large: +1 cups) or Pad-Enhancers, which "push up for deep cleavage." WARNING: Expect leering. Include $8.95 for shipping and handling. www.cosemsearch.com for more info. Where: Beauty-Systems, Dept. A6, PO Box 810, Solana Beach, CA 92075.

Cost: $24.95

How to fire your coins into savings: Remember when some adult tried to get you to save your money in a weirdly shaped porcelain pig? Thankfully, in this advanced age of mechanical and technological progress, you can give the gift of economy without having to stick to the swine. With the Artillery Bank, faithfully reproduced in a Civil War style, all it takes to stow away a nice nest egg is to place your coin in the canon, then press the lever to shoot it into the fort. Making your pennies count with this mechanical bank is as easy as counting a few Florida ballots—oh, wait, it's even easier than that. Who knew saving could be so gosh-darn fun? Where: Bits and Pieces, 1-800-544-7297 or www.bitsandpieces.com.

Kate Chynoweth and David Massengill

 
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