POLITICIANS IGNORE single twentysomethings because we don't vote. But since they pander only to seniors and working families, can you blame us? Yet while polls and pundits declare the presidential race dead even, there's one sizable party-hearty demographic that's still up for grabs. Are you listening, Al and George W.? November seventh is near. We can be your electoral college-topping voting block if you only pay attention to our needs, as follows:
Targeted Tax Relief: Instead of abolishing the marriage penalty, how about abolishing taxes for bachelors? Generation Y is holding up its end of the environmental bargain by not breeding at the rabid rate of love-struck newlyweds. Give us a little credit come April 15th! (And what about a deduction for vasectomies?)
Federalism: Whatever happened to reducing the size of government, George? If you got rid of speed limits, the result would be fewer traffic tickets—and hence less crime. (Al, remember that increased highway fatalities mean more organ transplants—good news for seniors and alcoholic ex-Yankees.)
Public Service: In addition to AmeriCorps, establish a Real World Corps to incentivize twentysomethings to rescue the flagging MTV show. How else is it supposed to compete with Survivor? (Al, think of your donations from Sumner Redstone.)
Drug Benefits: We've all heard about lowering the cost of prescription drugs, but what about recreational drugs? Better yet, why not extend NAFTA to small, nonthreatening, peace-loving Colombia? Now that medical marijuana is on the ballot, just think of how our economic productivity would benefit from tariff-free stimulants!
Federal Scholarships: Pell grants and Marshall scholarships are fine, but what about tuition credits for those of us C+ students who take a semester off to follow jam bands? With the Dead and Phish at least temporarily retired, the hackysack and outdoor concert industries need some Keynesian spending! The Feds can promote domestic tourism while keeping tie-dyed Fender noodlers off food stamps at the same time!
Nightclub Care: Forgotten in all the hullabaloo about low-income day care, exorbitant cover charges at trendy, hottie-filled, over-21 nightspots have become a burdensome fiscal burden on our economy. (And I know that Alan "Irrational Exuberance" Greenspan agrees with me.) We need vouchers!
Foreign Study: Subsidizing Amsterdam getaways for young collegiates is really a family values plank—ࠬa medical or maternity leave. The Dutch girls on Damrak Street speak excellent English and are eager to discuss international, ahem, relations—making you forget all about the temptations of legalized prostitution and head shops. Will power is tested, and love conquers all. God bless America!