Hot cock for free!

You readers sure are a chivalrous bunch! A couple weeks ago, I printed a letter from an adorable young lesbian couple who had been trying to get a man to join them for a no-strings-attached frolic in their love shack. Alas, they were thwarted—twice—by men who couldn't deliver the goods. I gave them a dose of my usual sage advice and called it a day.

But as soon as the paper hit the stands, the deluge began—kind offers from gentlemen all across Seattle wanting to help out two lusty lesbians in their hour of need. I'm not ashamed to report that your collective kindness and selflessness of spirit (and body!) brought a tear to my jaded baby blues. Here are a couple of the generous propositions I found crowding my e-mailbox:

I stand to the challenge. . . . Yes, it is every guy's fantasy, including mine. Why do the lucky guys get all the opportunities and blow it for the rest of us? Please forward my e-mail to Achin' for Dick, so I can be tested and prove there are men who are UP for the challenge.

Standing at Attention

I think you're probably right about Achin' for Dick's problem: They are simply NOT what the average guy with his average two-women-at-once fantasy is fantasizing about. Their problem is that they pick a man and then try to persuade him to get naked with them. They would be much better off if they found a guy that really had been fantasizing about that for years. Such guys exist. I know that because I am one of them. My fantasy is not about two Playboy Bunny types, but rather two actual lesbians. OK, two women in a lesbian relationship, at least one of them needs to be bi. Hopefully, one of them will want to do me with a strap-on (gently).

I don't imagine you want to be a dating service, but it would be great if you would pass on my e-mail address (or publish it). Otherwise, they should place an ad in the Alternatives section of the personals and see what they find!

Looking for a Dyke with a Strap-On and Her Babe

The two letters above are just a sampling of the myriad offers that rolled in. Here's what I want to know: Are you guys out of your minds or what? Do you honestly believe that these girls are going to call you? What alternate reality are you residing in? That column generated even more mail than the column in which I bitched and moaned about not getting laid myself. I have every confidence that the Sisters of Sappho who contacted me will eventually meet a man who's up to their challenge. However, they will not meet that man through me.

The astonishing number of letters I received along this line leads me to believe that I need to straighten out my male readers yet again. Here's the deal: Only the scariest, most freakish (and not in a good way) of women would contact any of you guys. It's a sad (for you, anyway) fact of nature that a woman who's willing to have sex with a man can always get laid. It doesn't matter how hideous, stupid, or humorless the broad—she can always find at least one of you mopes willing to slip her his dick.

It seems pretty obvious that these two girls have their shit together—they've just had a run of bad luck in choosing boy toys. Did you get the sense that they had any lack of volunteers for their little project? I sure didn't.

Now, on to a reader who had some practical advice for our girls (plus two of the funniest penis metaphors I've heard in a long time):

For most guys, the concept of thinking rationally about sex is about the quickest way I know to turn their proud skin rocket into a shriveled little wrinkle missile. So upon reading the letter from Achin' for Dick, a suggestion or two immediately came to mind. First was to find someone to work in gradually, and second, if the concept of a regular extra in the romper room does not appeal, try picking someone up with the prearranged agreement that he will be joining only for the purpose of being an extra watcher/hand/tongue. Let him know in advance exactly what his role will be, and let him continue to think that he will not be allowed to penetrate either of the two. That should take the pressure off, and the forbidden fruit thing should turn the pressure back on to bring on the desired results so that when the time comes, all they have to do is reach down, unwrap the package, and enjoy the fun of a surprise.

Helpful Harry

This is not a dating service! Write dategirl@seattleweekly.com or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle WA 98104.

 
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