Lascivious Lesbians Want Hot Cock Now!

Hi Dategirl,

I won't gush about how wonderfully happy my girlfriend and I are, but occasionally we like to spark up our lesbian lives by bringing a boy home. The first time this happened, it was with a sweet li'l innocent straight boy friend of hers. I flirted and flirted and eventually we all ended up naked together. We were having a great time, but he was a bit nervous to say the least and couldn't get it up. Ah well, we can take care of ourselves, so we didn't care, but enough already—stop trying! GO TO SLEEP or GO HOME! He went home and like a hopeful boy called and called and called. Good god. We talked. All right, mister, we're up for a good time every once in a while, but chill out— it was a one-night thing.

A few months later, I picked up my tattooist. He was sweet and respectful and seemed to understand me and my girlfriend's dynamic. We were excited. So we finally ended up naked together. We were all having a good time, but lo and behold, he couldn't get it up either. Again, we took care of ourselves and besides it was 3am. We were sober and tired, but he wanted to keep trying. Forget it! Go to SLEEP!

So what's the deal? Our experiences haven't been bad by any means, but the point of bringing someone else home is so that we don't have to take care of ourselves. Let someone else do the damned work. Besides, isn't this every straight boy's fantasy?

Achin' for Dick

Perhaps your little boy-toys can't get their love boats to more than half-mast because they're feeling objectified and used! After all, you and the little missy are only interested in a few minutes of borrowed bliss with their smokin' hot guns of love. You don't care about the men behind the peni at all, now do you? Men are sensitive souls who need love too— not just automatons designed for your prurient pleasures! They need to be nurtured, respected and treated like the multidimensional creatures they are!

Sometimes I just crack myself up.

Now, really. Of course these boys are having a tough time of it! You two ladies don't need them. They're intimidated. And being frightened does terrible things to a penis. What once stood tall and hard can morph into something akin to what you might find inside an oyster shell—and not the pearl— for myriad reasons, not the least of which is the sheer terror of humiliation. And what could be more humiliating for a red-blooded heterosexual man than to be shown up by a girl!

While you're right that being with two women does rate at the top of most men's rather pedestrian fantasies, I'm hypothesizing that these fantasy femmes are heterosexual, built like Playboy bunnies, and hopelessly inept when it comes to pleasuring each other. These mystery bims will engage in a little half-hearted muff-diving and spit-swapping for titillation purposes only and then turn to their man to show the proper reverence that his temple of tumescence should provoke.

As usual when a question stymies me, I consulted not a panel of experts for wise counsel, but instead called a bunch of my goofball friends to get their take on the matter. My future ex-boyfriend John used to go out with a lesbian who regularly made other women a part of their sexual repertoire. He says it was great and he never had a problem performance-wise, but do note that he's not with her anymore. Steve, one of the toughest men I know, admitted that trying to pleasure two women who were perfectly capable of getting each other off would intimidate the hell out of him. "They like each other better than me," he practically whimpered.

Finally I turned to my source for all things Sapphic. After a moment of stunned and horrified silence, Babette scoffed, "Why don't they just buy a dildo—who needs the extra flesh around it." Ouch.

My advice is to seek and ye shall find. As my sister and I hooted and hollered through the America's Sexiest Bachelor contest on Fox TV last week, it became abundantly clear that there are many men out there ready and willing to be objectified. Might I suggest skipping right over the hirsute winner (Mr. Virginia—eww!) and looking up Mr. New Jersey? He was pleasantly witless and the only one of 51 allegedly sexy bachelors to wear a bathing suit that showed package! And what a package it was. Plus he didn't even make it to the final five, so he could probably use a little lady lovin' right about now. Good luck!

Are you achin'? Write dategirl@seattleweekly.com or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle WA 98104.

 
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