I guess I am just looking for some good advice from a stranger—it's not like I can jump up on the bus and yell out my question. I have been with my boyfriend for three years. Our sex is great and everything else about our relationship is great too. When it comes to oral sex, I love going down on him. He loves it both ways—giving and taking. While I like receiving, I often feel uncomfortable. I can't relax and lie back, it just makes me tight. I want to like it because it feels good. I am very clean and disease free so I don't worry that it is nasty. I know if the situation were reversed, I could never go down on me even though I know I take good care of my body. I really like it, but it just makes me feel tense—does that make sense?
No. It doesn't make sense. You say you enjoy getting oral sex, but at the same time it makes you uncomfortable and tightens you right up. This does not sound like an enjoyable experience. Because you say it feels good, I'm not going to suggest that this may be an activity your boyfriend just isn't very good at (an overzealous use of teeth is something that would tense any girl up), but you might want to consider the possibility. You also mention that you wouldn't go down on you if the situation were reversed. Well, unless you're Cirque-du-Soleil limber or decide to start dating women, this isn't going to be an issue.
It sounds to me like you can't relax because you think he's secretly hating it. He tells you he likes it, but you, my dear, are finding it difficult to believe that anyone would enjoy darting their tongue around YOUR MOST PRIVATE PARTS. It's dark down there! There's hair! It's wet! Pee pee comes out of a nearby opening—and we won't even talk about the back door! Well, I'm here to tell you that while some men find cunnilingus distasteful (Republicans and homosexuals), there's proof that most like it: In a 1994 University of Chicago survey, 76.3 percent of men were "very" or "somewhat" thrilled by the prospect of performing oral sex on their partner. To update these stats, I took an informal survey; here's what they said.
Travis, college professor: I believe that Jesus said it best—'tis better to give than receive. It tastes good and it's fun. It's like video games—there's an objective, there's fun equipment to work with. I like making women come and that's a pretty good way of doing it.
Sport Murphy, musician: A crass analogy may be that fucking is more athletic and oral is more musical. Aside from the obvious visual analogy, there seems to be much more possibility for nuance and variation in giving head, since my own release is not an issue. I can more finely observe her reactions and modify what I do. Using my hands (or sometimes a vibrator or toy) as well as my mouth allows for all sorts of different sensations and levels of intensity, so I can "orchestrate" the experience on the fly: a long legato stretch, few staccato measures, crescendo, and so on.
If a woman opens herself to this, it seems far more of a "gift" to me than just a fuck or a blow job (dear as they are to me). Most women have some degree of body anxiety and think the sight of them receiving pleasure will be a turnoff, since they obsess on every hive, rash, fatty deposit, and hair. When she lets go of that fear, I feel like she's really with me. In turn my own physical flaws seem less important. This sort of mutual relaxation is as powerful as laughter in building intimacy.
Ivan, writer/actor: I enjoy eating pussy. I get more turned on when the girl is moaning and groaning. I get into the whole procedure. I like the smell. I like the active, yet subservient, role I play. It's important to me that my partner gets her rocks off. And I'm turned on by the fact that wow! I've got my mouth on the pussy of a chick I like! Cool! For me, going down on a woman is as much a part of getting laid as is the eventual shooting of the load.
Eric, musician: I can only say that a life without oral sex would be like a day without Weetabix. It is a truly intimate experience that involves a lot of vulnerability and intimacy from both parties, the experience of which is one of the key reasons to be. Giving and receiving it is one of the privileges of life.
Let's have a round of applause for my straight boy friends. You see, they like it, they really like it! So relax and start collecting your orgasms—you're overdue.
You go, girl! Ask email@example.com or Dategirl, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle WA 98104.