HAIR: $5,000-$10,000 for having a strip of flesh cut from one part of your head, and its individual follicles then planted elsewhere. Ouch! Benefit: Rich, lustrous locks that make you feel younger and more attractive—until the plugs fall out and you have to return for more expensive follow-up treatments.
EYES: $3,000-$4,000 to remove those droopy lids and bags. Benefit: You’re no longer mistaken for a basset hound. (However, women still expect you to fetch.)
FACE: $4,000-$8,000 affords a face-lift including a variety of trimming, tightening, and rearranging options. Benefit: Newfound youthful appearance. Coworkers no longer call you “Gramps,” but “Dude” instead.
SKIN: $3,000-$4,000 buys you laser resurfacing of facial blemishes, scars, and irregularities. Benefit: A smoother, more attractive complexion. Mutations caused by laser enable you to fly.
NOSE: $3,000-$5,000 for rhinoplasty to resculpt that massive honker to more manageable proportions. Benefit: People writing to your nose no longer need to use a different zip code.
CHIN: $2,000-$3,000 for the implant that reshapes your old, weak feature into a prominent prow of masculinity. Benefit: You can open doors without using your hands.
NECK: $3,000-$5,000 tightens that unsightly wattle of loose, sagging flesh. Benefit: You are no longer mistaken for a turkey.
BREAST REDUCTION: $2,000-$4,000 represents a bargain in alleviating that little-known, shameful condition of male gynecomastia. Benefit: Throw your Manbra away. (On the other hand, you’ll miss that sensual feeling of silk against your nipples.)
PECS: $2,000-$5,000 for these muscle-enhancing implants. Benefit: A rock-hard, confidence-inducing chest that can also be removed for use as an airplane life preserver in the event of emergency water landing.
GUT: $6,000-$10,000 for the full tummy tuck, plus multiple strategic spot-lipo options. Benefit: The taut, hard midriff of an 18-year-old. You can see what’s going on again during urination and sex, resulting in new dissatisfactions (see below).
BUTT: $5,000-$8,000 includes lift, lipo, and implants. Benefit: Approving stares from passersby. You no longer have to purchase two seats at movies. Your generous donation of fat cells will help maintain Cher’s full, luscious, bee-stung lips into early 2007.
PENIS: $5,000-$8,000 increases both circumference and length (actual results and sizes may vary). Benefit: Greater self-confidence, emboldening you to approach—and be rejected by—even more beautiful, unobtainable people.
CALVES: $2,000-$5,000 for implants to give your legs a more powerful, muscular look. Benefit: Admiring comments from nice old ladies like “Oh, you must work out,” before they hike past you on Mt. Si.
VEINS: $200-$400 is a bargain for sclerotherapy! Benefit: Unsightly veins are relocated. You can wear sheer hose with confidence again—or go bare-legged in your summer dress!
FEET: $25-$75 gets those ugly corns and bunions removed—by laser, no less! Benefit: Wear open-toed shoes again without feeling self-conscious. Show the world your pedicure with pride!
For more on male body image, explore the New Hunk phenomenon with All this beefcake, for me?
