Scientific Name
Natural Habitat
Diet
Behavioral Traits
Legal Status
Official Remedies
Vigilante Justice*
Canada Goose
Branta Canadensis
Golf courses, Hunts Point lawns, office parks, public swimming beaches, freeway medians, U-Dub parking lots, airport runways, Lake Union houseboats, children's wading pools
Putting greens, fairways, recently installed lawns, softball fields, Kentucky bluegrass, expensive hydrangeas, bread, raisin bread, corn bread, bread crumbs, bread pudding, croutons, bagels, baguettes, pitas, Wheat Thins, anything purchased at Molbak's
Honking, shitting, hissing, pooping, attacking, defecating, snapping at small children, excreting, sauntering across traffic, crapping, demanding handouts, voiding their bowels, knocking down Rollerbladers
Federally protected
Goose-chasing dogs; pinwheels and reflective tape
Mines, mortars, machine guns, and hand grenades
Eastern Gray Squirrel
Sciurus carolinensis
Telephone poles, jungle gyms, Wallingford attics, Ravenna rooftops and gutters, birdhouses, birdfeeders, Woodland Park Zoo's Elephant House, mailboxes
Cones, needles, nuts, pine nuts, peanut butter, peanut butter cookies, seeds, birdseed, trail mix
Chattering, racing around pointlessly, tormenting cats, frenzied leaping from bough to bough, hyperactively chasing one other for no apparent reason, shameless fornication, gnawing electrical wires, raiding birdfeeders, slamming into windows
Open season
Wrap trees in chicken wire; seal off chimneys
.22s, pellet guns, leg traps, bows and arrows, rocks
Raccoon
Procyon lotor
Crawl spaces, tool sheds, unlocked cars, children's play houses and forts, baby strollers left on front porches, stairwells, mother-in-law apartments, hot tubs and pools, driveways
Gophers, slugs, crustaceans, bird eggs, carrion, pesto salad, H䡧en-Dazs containers, fruit pies, TV dinners, hummus, pizza crusts, aluminum foil, Larry's Market take-out sushi, unattended Homegrocer.com deliveries, dog food, cat food, cat parts
Lumbering across driveways, tipping over trash cans, intimidating household pets, frightening small children, voyeuristic spying, general furtiveness, engaging in stare-downs with homeowners, utilizing pet doors, messing with TV remote
Limited season
Do not put food in open compost piles; erect electric fence
WWF-style bodyslams and legdrops, eyepokes, hand-to-paw combat
Opossum
Didelphis virginianus
I-5, 520, 405, NE 65th St, Mercer Street onramp, Northgate Way, Rainier Ave S, Renton 'S' curves, Lakeview Flyover, Ship Canal Bridge, Park & Ride Lots
Bugs, grubs, insects, spiders, occasionally young rabbits, concrete home foundations, dust, tire shards, hubcaps, cigarette butts, motor oil, transmission fluid, radiator hoses, lane divider dots, traffic circle plantings, road kill, other possums
Skulking along arterials, ripping up yards, nesting under stairwells, impersonating rats, playing possum, playing chicken, refusing to yield, befouling car tires with entrails
Open season
Secure garbage cans with bungee cord; fortify crawl spaces
Fords, Audis, Chevrolets, SUVs, station wagons, shovels
Girlfriend's cat
Felis catus
Couches, comfy chairs, sofas, pillows, antimacassars, laps, TV sets, toilet seats, automobile hoods, wheel wells, window seats, kitchen counters, foot of bed, middle of bed, head of bed, face
Mice, voles, birds, crickets, dryer lint, own hair, Fancy Feast, Whisker Lickin's, Copper River salmon, caviar, Porterhouse steaks, turkey livers and trimmings, filet mignon, patꍊ
Scratching, headbutting ankles, irrational clawing, coughing up fur balls, scent marking, condescending air of entitlement, retaliatory micturation, appropriating best furniture, stand-offishness, tuna breath, mood swings
Subject to your own moral scruples
Feign affection, avoid eye contact
"Accidentally" drive it to Oregon, remove collar, and leave at truck stop
Crow
Corvus brachyrhynchos
Power lines, Dick's parking lots, chimneys, children's playgrounds, UW marshes, bus tunnel, dumpsters, garbage cans, bedroom windowsills, Westlake Park, sidewalk caf鳬 barbed wire fences, Bite of Seattle
Chee-tos, french fries, Ivar's fish and chips, Starbucks low-fat scones, ring fingers, ketchup containers, ducklings, Red Hook ESB, cottage cheese, human eyeballs, milk- encrusted coffee stirring straws, candy wrappers, road splats, Styrofoam food containers
Ceaseless unmotivated cawing, driving off songbirds, depreciating property values, ominous clustering, blocking out the sun's rays with their enormous flocks, brazen strutting, vainglorious two-footed hopping, stealing ATM cards
Limited season
Scarecrows
Defuse tensions with outreach program and community-building exercises
Herschel the Sea Lion
Zalophus Califonianus
Ballard Locks (1990-96, RIP)
Wild migratory steelhead salmon
Gobbling down 65 percent of already endangered steelhead runs, posing for tourist photos, refusing to budge from Ballard Locks, resisting all relocation efforts, returning from California exile, eating lead
Federally protected
Air horns, flashing lights, marine netting, underwater warning signs
Introduce new "Sea Lioness Night" at Hiram's
Cougar
Felis concolor
Sammamish Plateau, Issaquah Highlands, Cougar Mountain, Pickering Place, Eastside day care center playgrounds, Snow Lake trailhead, Microsoft campus, North Bend Outlet Mall, kiddie soccer fields
Deer, elk, mice, rabbits, pet llamas, pet alpacas, ponies, mailmen, bird-watchers, solitary joggers, infants, toddlers, small children, Cub Scouts
Snarling, hissing, yowling, caterwauling, leaping from underbrush or trees onto unsuspecting hikers, soccer moms, and trail maintenance volunteers
Limited season
Stand tall, remove deer costume
Choke with inedible PowerBars
*Seattle Weekly disclaims any and all legal responsibility for the use of nonsanctioned pest disposal methods.
See The Beast in your Backyard for more on the battle against pesky, unwanted pets.
