Best Commerce

Did I tell you about my third wife? No, wait, I lost my train of . . . just get me another Scotch! Tip Wizard is thirsty. Tip Wizard needs booze!

Best cash machine

It's just so gosh darn neat to be human in a sea of machines. We can't seem to go five minutes without having a little conversation with one of our robotic brethren. Talk, talk, tickle, tickle. We love them! And the best part? The entertainment they supply: Slide the card in, push the buttons, and booyah—an entire paragraph about home loans has us in stitches. (We can't even begin to tell you how many times we've nearly peed our velvet trousers reading about interest rates.) But by far the most interactive and entertaining cash machine in town resides at the Hillcrest Market (110 Summit E, 329-4400). The handwritten sign taped to its chest says it all: "This machine may dispense more than one tube per transaction." Do yourself a favor; experience "the tube."

Best place to feel like a prude

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Unlike their former, cramped digs on Union, the Crypt's new location (112 Broadway E, entrance on 10th between Denny and John, 325-3882) has a roomy parking lot and large windows that make it seem less Little Shop of Horrors than Wal-Mart for the latest bedroom fashions and toys. With more than double its old floor space, the Crypt has expanded its stock of PVC, VHS, and silicone goodies. And while most things here may make a welcome addition to your boudoir, some of the merchandise is bound to startle, such as the collection of butt plugs the size of lava lamps or the unusually large dildos, which may be more useful as trusty assault weapons than as bedroom toys. Called "Star Tools," the set includes a "sledge hammer," "chisel," "jackhammer," and most intimidating, a "grinder," which measures approximately 4 inches in diameter and is as heavy as a bowling ball. (Preparation H not included.)

Best of Seattle, 2000