Normally, the Gnome wouldn't resort to the columnist's lazy-ass tactic of answering reader mail in lieu of reporting from the front, but the Memorial Day weekend brings an early deadline that precludes your club-hopping correspondent from cavorting with the likes of Supergrass, Sientific American, and others. First up is an e-mail note from smarmy author Mark Lindquist, who's responding to a deserved attack in this space a month ago about his horrid, poorly written, Seattle-scene-exploiting, so-called novel Never Mind Nirvana:
" . . . thanks for the press. Elliott Bay Books was totally packed for the reading and they sold out of books—every little bit of publicity helps. Sorry to hear you couldn't find a publisher for your own Seattle novel [?!]. Keep trying though. Maybe strong sales of NMN will help create interest. Also, reading modern writers might help your work—you will learn, among other things, that mixing fact and fiction is not as groundbreaking as I'm told you imagine. I suggest you start with Ulysses, move on to The Sun Also Rises, then F. Scott, maybe Kerouac, eventually even try Bret Easton Ellis [a.k.a. one of the fools who blurbs Lindquist's book!]. Good luck. I'm sure you don't want to waste much more of your life diminishing yourself with asinine comments in a gossip column—though I trust you were being at least partially facetious because I heard you wrote something bitchy about writers who write for 'personal gain.' Best Wishes, Mark Lindquist. P.S. You should be pleased to know that NMN is currently the bestselling novel in Washington state on Amazon.com, #7 overall in Washington on Amazon." [All emphasis the Gnome's.]
First off, Mark, it appears as though you need to brush up on your reading, too: Try perusing the attack you're responding to before writing a letter! What are you, the Christian Coalition? Oh, and as for you even mentioning "NMN" in the same paragraph as masterpieces by Joyce and Hemingway—for once the Gnome is speechless.
Another bit of mail comes from the guys at World Wide Broadcasting, the locally based Internet radio station. They didn't mind being dissed for not knowing about Napster, but asked that they get a plug for their URL. Sure: it's www.wwbroadcasting.com.
Lastly, one bit of reportage from your Gnomeness: Minneapolis' Lifter Puller tore the hide off the Crocodile last Wednesday. While bassist Tad Kuebler threw himself and his bass around and frontman Craig Finn ranted himself red, guitarist/keyboardist Steve Barone stole the show by jumping off the ceiling, landing behind the keyboard (on the beat, no less), and maintaining a goofy grin throughout. If you love wild, punky spontaneity the way the Gnome does, pray for a return visit. You betcha!
You can reach the Metro Gnome at email@example.com