When I was 10, only three things mattered to me. The first was that I become the greatest break-dancer in the free world. The second was that I figure out what that song from Purple Rain, "Darling Nikki," really meant. And third was a complicated issue regarding the hardcore porno VHS tape I found in the vacant lot next to my house. Later, I was able to apply the third matter to the second, hence becoming the biggest Prince fan this side of the Spokane River. Although once I finally watched the movie it opened up a huge can of worms. It made me think, "How come this ugly three-foot-tall purple guy can score chicks and I can't?" and "How come this ugly three-foot-tall purple guy who can't act can score movie roles?" These are still questions I seek answers to. Actually, if I could just figure out how to say his new name I would be happy. He's said that even he doesn't know how to pronounce it but once he hears the right noise he will then know. I know the right noise. It's the snapping of the last button on your straitjacket, you freak. How would you like me to change my name to a stupid, giant happy face and start telling people it was pronounced "Chuck"? Back to my first issue, becoming the leader of the break-dance nation. It never happened for me. I bought my own fold-out cardboard dance floor, a brand new Adidas jumpsuit, a cushion for my young spine, and even a Michael Jackson "How to moonwalk" instructional video. But the problem didn't have to do with my lack of preparation or talent. The problem was that my young mind couldn't get into the music at the time. I spent most of my day deciphering Prince lyrics, for god's sake. But I have found a brand new CD that's inspired my comeback on the break-dancing circuit, the Sugarman Three's Soul Donkey (Desco). It's a CD of new old-school funk instrumentals. I don't know if you can break-dance to it, but I'm going to try. Plus I don't have Prince in my life anymore, so I'll be able to find the time
Listen to John break-dance every weekday morning from 6-10am on KCMU, 90.3 FM, and live on the Web at www.kcmu.org.