Plenty o' pints

Two rules when going to Irish pubs, both stateside and abroad: (1) shave the goll durn mustache off your upper lip before, and (2) throw the lifestyle calendar in the fireplace and ask Madeleine instead. The former rule is a recent one, brought into effect via a well-publicized statement from Guinness lambasting mustachioed Guinness drinkers for wasting $675,900 worth of the dark, cascading elixir every year because "a genuine mustache has been proven to contribute to a significant Guinness wastage, as a result of inter-fiber retention at every sip." OK, fine, shaving's easy enough, but more importantly, you got Maddy's digits? That's right, the phone number of the Seattle native-cum-County Galway barmaid who knows a thing or three about what it takes to put the Irish in pub. Well, I do, which means I'm way more qualified to dis and praise our city's slipshod smattering of faux Irish pubs, with apologies to those that didn't make it (Christ, I only had a week—how much you want me to drink?).

(Rating: one to five *, five meaning the bar could be picked up and moved overseas and the natives wouldn't know the difference)