How to marry a millionaire
Tips for snaring one of Seattle's thousands of sugar daddies:
Spend Sunday afternoons kicking the tires at Redmond's Lexus dealership.
Ask to see his Palm Pilot.
Over dinner at El Gaucho, profess your profound interest in juggling.
At the health club, remember to wear your Matrix T-shirt.
Forswear all Brad Pitt movies; practice positive visualization exercises of Nathan Mhyrvold.
Call Amazon.com customer service; flirt shamelessly.
Get impregnated by a Sonic.
Apply for menial food service position at Microsoft; "accidentally" spill food on senior group product manager's Dockers; dab vigorously with damp cloth.
When hunky, stock-option-owning, HomeGrocer.com driver makes delivery, open the door wearing nothing but....
Adorn your body with tattoos and piercings, start smoking, and make eyes at recently divorced rock stars at the Crocodile Caf鮍
At Scarecrow Video, stand in the "S" aisle, asking guys if they've seen the new Star Trek: The Next Generation DVD.
Get real estate license; show lakefront properties in the nude.
At Crystal Mountain, park next to the newest Hummer; wait for owner to return, then pretend to lose your keys and beg for a ride home.
Take Metro across 520 to Hunts Point; then, wearing tight shorts and jog-bra, stop at largest remodeled house for glass of water, then "faint."
Join local gun club and register as a Republican; wait for next McCaw to divorce.
At Seafair, swim up to largest yacht on log boom and yell, "Help, I'm drowning and I've lost my swimsuit top!"
At Boeing Field, sneak into private jet area and aggressively hitch ride to Sun Valley or Aspen.
When programmers lose hackey-sack outside GO2NET headquarters, squeal, "Look! It fell down my blouse!"
Loiter at Madison Audio; ask customers to explain why exactly $10,000 tube amps sound "warmer."
Wait outside Phil Smart test-drive area; accidentally permit hem of dress to get caught in car door. (Actual results may vary.)
Between holes at Sahalee, identify most promising targets, then fall into water hazard wearing sheer diaphanous top and plead for rescue.
Offer to take lap times while he races his new Boxster at SIR; leap wildly in show of support.
Never ever admit that you once dated a lawyer at the Department of Justice.
Ask him to demonstrate all the features on his 8860.
If all else fails, return all those phone calls from Paul Allen (have restraining order removed first).
How to marry a millionairess
Hey, guys, there's no reason you can't be a gold digger, too! Here's how:
Get stray dog from pound, knock on Wendy McCaw's door saying your puppy needs water.
Pretend Snow Falling on Cedars is your favorite book (be prepared to discuss).
Memorize long passages from Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus; recite with champagne.
Attend riot grrrl concerts to meet nose-pierced, option-rich Amazon forklift drivers.
Special note for aspiring bluebeards: scan obituaries for high-profile deaths; court widows with flowers; brush up on ballroom dancing with walker-wiedling partner.
At Pacific Place, offer to carry customers' heavy shopping bags (wear your tightest T-shirt).
Set up petition table at Bellevue Square, ask women to participate in body-waxing class action lawsuit (photograph required).
Whenever asked, emphatically agree that Gwyneth Paltrow is much too thin.
Become personal trainer, tell most affluent clients they've lost five pounds each week (10 if they buy you a new superbike).
Take temp job as paralegal, use confidential settlement information to begin "rebound effect" strategy of dating richest divorcees.
Get UPS job, pay special attention to option-holding Microsoft executive secretaries while making deliveries.
Identify all Lotto winners, begin wooing with invitations to ice skating shows and Neil Diamond concerts.
Volunteer at finish line of Fred Hutch Race for the Cure 5K to wrap space blankets around grateful finishers.
If all else fails, go to Yelm and announce you are Ramtha's long-lost reincarnated husband.
The New Singles: Flush with cash and pale from overtime, Seattle's high-tech lonelyhearts develop a new paradigm for romance. by Orianda Guilfoyle
Mr. Lonelyhearts: A translation guide to the gay male personals. by David Massengill