Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

Tacoma Dome, Tuesday, February 1

ANYONE WITH EVEN a tenuous grasp on rock history knows that CSN—David Crosby, Stephen Stills,

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Four-way street?

If Neil Young doesn't show for CSNY's latest reunion tour, the famously flaky band has other options.

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

Tacoma Dome, Tuesday, February 1

ANYONE WITH EVEN a tenuous grasp on rock history knows that CSN—David Crosby, Stephen Stills, and Graham Nash—is a group that's squabbled publicly and disbanded frequently throughout its 30 years. But occasional fourth partner Neil Young is more infamously moody than the other three combined. In the middle of his 1976 tour with Stills, Young began traveling to the venue where they were to perform in Florida, realized he was going the wrong way—then decided to keep on driving in that direction. ("Funny how some things that start spontaneously end that way," he telegrammed Stills. "Eat a peach, Neil.") That was 24 years ago, but CSNY is as irascible as ever. And who knows—Young, who's fond of creating sequels to earlier efforts decades after the originals (1972's Harvest begat 1992's Harvest Moon, for instance), might well pull the same stunt again. Of course, Seattle Weekly sincerely hopes this isn't the case. But if it is, we've offered this helpful guide to possible last-minute replacements, with an eye toward minimizing ticket and advertising reprints.

Crosby,

Stills,

Nash

And...

DAY JOB

ADVANTAGES OVER NEIL

DISADVANTAGES

MOST RADICAL CHANGE FROM CSNY NORM

HIGHLIGHT OF SHOW

NADIR OF SHOW

LESTER YOUNG

Jazz saxophone great

Equally inspired and much more fluent soloist

Dead

Embalming fluid replaces hash oil in backstage rider

Crosby rapping about "really missing Garcia, man" in gross misunderstanding of the nature of Lester's "Deadness"

CSN's note-perfect, stupid-sounding background coos on special "rock" arrangement of "Lester Leaps In"

YOUNG M.C.

PG-rated rapper

Far better rhythmically, just as agile lyrically

Most CSNY fans think "Bust a Move" refers to when the cops showed up before their stash was hidden

Big-booty backup dancers

"Ohio," with extra verses about police brutality

Derisive hoots greeting Young M.C.'s solo turns

LA MONTE YOUNG

Avant-classical composer known as the "father of minimalism"

More daringly primitivist and atonal

Nobody else understands what the hell is going on

Four-hour concert consists of just one note

CSN's harmonies more blissful than ever thanks to LaMonte's just intonation-created overtones

Massive walkouts from people who weren't counting on a CSNY concert to sound like Neil's feedback-montage CD, Arc

CHOW YUN-FAT

Action film star

Kicks Neil's (and everyone else's) ASS!!!

Plenty of stage presence but can't sing, play guitar, etc.

Brooding overture before band appears onstage

Taking Stills out when he starts getting a little too mouthy

Show only lasts 20 minutes (see highlight)

DENNIS DE YOUNG

The brains behind Styx

Sings in key

Sucks big time

Pyrotechnics

Medley of "Come Sail Away" and "Wooden Ships"

CSN sound silly chanting "Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto"

THE YOUNG GODS

Switzerland's extremist, sample-wielding punks

Heavy use of samples=larger sonic spectrum for group

Screaming vocals disrupt mellow vibe

"Woodstock" interspersed throughout with sound bites from original festival

The look on CSN's face when singer Franz Treichler opens his mouth and roars

Treichler carving "CSNYG" into his chest

CLAUDE YOUNG

Detroit techno DJ/producer

In touch with what the young people of today actually listen to

85% of the CSNY crowd doesn't care what the young people of today actually listen to

Never have the beats been anywhere near this prominent

Massive 303 riffs underpinning "Our House" = "Our House Mix"

Hard-driving beats find disfavor with free-form hippie dancers

YOUNG BLEED

No Limit soldier

Jeep-rattlin' beats

Crosby raps better than this guy

"Deja Vu" rewritten by Bleed to celebrate the strip-club chain

Guest appearances by Master P, Mystikal, Snoop Dogg

Bleed's extra verses assure that "Love the One You're With" is more sexist than ever

• Official Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young site

 
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