You want gadgets? The preceding pages of our gifty tech guide don't even hint at the full range of foreign electronic accessories available to the discerning international shopper. Most will undoubtedly be available in time for Christmas Y2K, but for now you'll have to look for them in duty-free airport sky malls while on business trips abroad. Below you'll find a quick survey of these little-known, hard-to-find products that could make this holiday season one to remember for years to come.
*Pocket Lipo: We all know how easy it is to put on pounds during the holiday season. Now, thanks to the latest cutting-edge medical research in Chile, there's an equally easy way to shed the Christmas larder! Although not yet currently approved for use in this country by the AMA, FDA, NIH, or ASPCA, the "machinita de liposuctiona" comes with simple-to-follow instructions translated from the Spanish. Small enough to fit in a handbag or coat pocket, the Pocket Lipo unit features its own self-anesthetizing probes and convenient plastic baggies for disposing of unsightly discharge.
*Phone Implant: Never be without your cell phone again! Never miss another call! Staying in constant contact with your business colleagues and family members has never been so easy! Thanks to clever micro-bioengineers in Finland, you can gain the convenience of a permanently installed phone for the minor loss of six molars and adjacent jaw bone and tissue. (Caution: Long-life radium battery, guaranteed for a half-life of 500 years, may cause bleeding, swelling, tenderness, uncontrollable cell growth, hair loss, nausea, and voices from God.)
*Home Cryogenics: Thanks to ingenious scientists in the former Soviet Socialist Republic of Kyrgyzstan, preserving your body for future revival no longer requires costly clinics or specialists. All you need is an extra bedroom and a reliable, constant source of power! (Nonfission reactor recommended.) Installation is a snap thanks to easy-to-read instructions; Allen wrench included.
*Esperanto Translator: Carry on fluent, simultaneous conversations with all your Esperanto-speaking friends, thanks to scientists at the United Nations' special NWO program. (That's merely an acronym for "Nikta Wonbu Ordnung," the favorite children's Esperanto nursery rhyme; we don't know where those other rumors got started.) Act now, while you still have a full year before the metric system, unified global currency, and Esperanto become mandatory in this country, per the recent WTO agreement. Remember: Esperanto is the language of the future! Or else.
*Body Alarm: Sound an unequivocal clarion 100-decibel "no" to unwanted workplace touching, feeling, groping, harassing, grazing, hugging, consoling, or handshaking with this wallet-sized South African invention. From the country with the world's highest crime rate, you can now enjoy the complete security of knowing that anyone who touches you without first entering the special 10-digit PIN number of your choice will be permanently deafened—along with anyone else in a 50-yard radius. (Remote alarm activation key chain unit included.)
*Home Missile Defense Unit: Stop nuisance SCUDs, cruise missiles, and smart bombs from bothering your family during dinner! Free yourself from unwanted ordinance. The very latest Israeli technology now makes home-based radar protection as easy as achat, shta'yim, shalosh. No larger than an average washing machine, it requires a mere 18 months' training before effective usage. Its designers recommend that family members alternate in three-hour shifts before the radar console to alleviate eye strain.
*Brain Ram: At last—a handy modular solution to aging and periodic memory loss! Let's face it—we're all getting older, with upgrades harder and harder to come by. But after one outpatient visit to an affiliated offshore medical clinic for your cranial socket implant, installing extra memory cartridges directly into your cerebellum is simple, almost 53 percent painless, and more than 39 percent effective! (Figures based on live ferret study; some ferrets did not return questionnaires, leading to incomplete data.) From Taiwan. Not compatible with forthcoming Microsoft Smarty-Pants intelligence enhancer product.
*Home Lie Detector: From North Korea, this handy, Hyundai-sized unit is guaranteed to bring an end to dinner table arguments and your kids' constant bickering. Who loves the Great Leader more? Who would deny that this year's grain harvest broke all previous records? And who doesn't decry the lackey running dogs of imperialism? And now, it's oh-so-easy to test loyalties and detect traitors. (Clip-on genital cathodes extra.)
*Child-tracking Radar: Where have those kids gone to now? That eternal worry of parents is now solved, thanks to concerned scientists in Paraguay. After the installation of relatively painless tags (similar to department store anti-theft devices), you can track your child's every step from your very own PC! Make sure they go to school without any stops for junk food or petty larceny. Feel confident that they're safe and accounted for at all times. (Caution: Non-FAA-approved radio frequency sharing may cause certain jets to land in your backyard. Check with airlines for details.)