I can't play music. I can't sing. I couldn't if you paid me (although they pay me to write this column, so you never know). But if I could, I know exactly what I would do. I'd put together a three-piece band. I'd give the band a cute and somewhat catchy name. I'd make sure the rest of the band was 1,000 times better looking then me. I'd dictate that they must love the Pixies. I'd start playing shows two weeks after we formed. I'd play around town as much as the town would let me. When we played, people would jump up and down in unison while chanting our songs. I'd then put out one of the best local releases in recent memory, an album full of messed-up pop songs that would freak my parents out. But it wouldn't take much to freak my parents out; they drink a lot and don't have very fast reflexes. In fact, I haven't talked to them in about five years—it has something to do with the live remote I did from their house at an "inappropriate time." What the hell does "inappropriate time" mean, anyway?
At any rate, Peter Parker is living my dream, albeit without the parental alienation (then again, I don't know how their parents reacted to their album). I'm also not sure that their "musicians wanted" ad said anything about the Pixies. And I saw them live the other night and there weren't enough people around to jump up and down in unison. But they are 1,000 times better looking then me—this I know. Their debut release is Migliore!. It's out on the local indie label Magic Palace and was produced by John Goodmanson; it's one of the best local pop albums of the year. Damn them for living my dream.
Tune in to the Morning Show, Monday through Friday from 6 to 10am on 90.3 FM KCMU, to hear Peter Parker and John's other dream bands.
Countdown: Worst albums of the millennium
John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band, Eddie and the Cruisers: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack. You're in hell. Your mission: to decide which early '80s soundtrack is worse, the wretched St. Elmo's Fire or the equally odorous Eddie and the Cruisers. Your ears sting with the memory of Richard Marx's early years as a backup singer, gratuitous sax solos, and—oh, yes!--John Cafferty, the man whose bar band makes the Spin Doctors gleam with pride. It's tight, but after reviewing the Beaver Brown Band's stinky contributions to the rock vault, it's clear they are the champion chumps, with leader John "I wish I was him" Cafferty doing the worst Bruce Springsteen imitation this side of bowling alley karaoke. Eddie and the Cruisers—a forgettable film about a pseudo-legendary rock 'n' roll singer's untimely disappearance—is responsible for Cafferty's rise to fame with the bowel-interrupting hit "On the Dark Side." Ballads like "Tender Years" followed, making Cafferty and the Beaver Turd Browns a prom sensation in 1983. Eerily enough, the original Eddie soundtrack is now out of print and considered a collector's item.—Kristy Ojala