When hell freezes over

Volcanoes! Meteors! And now this.

Narrator: It's thousands of years old. It's larger than most major metropolitan areas. It can destroy all life, and it has done so in the past, many times. It's got the physical force of several nuclear bombs. And it's headed your way.

(Cut to Town Meeting in progress)

Panicked Geologist: You people just don't realize what you're dealing with here. This isn't some cold snap. This isn't some hailstorm. And this sure as hell isn't a freezer in need of defrosting.

Mayor: Dr. Tyler, while we all have the utmost respect for your credentials as a geologist, you can't expect the town council to put off its plans for our bicentennial just because of your crackpot notions of what might happen.

Panicked Geologist: You don't understand. You might as well cancel that order for balloons and streamers, because this town won't be here for its bicentennial!

Narrator: Some say the world will end in fire. And some say it will end in ice. A lot of ice.

(Cut to Swank Yuppie Home)

Yuppie Father: Honey, will you come here and take a look at this?

Yuppie Mother: What, dear?

Yuppie Father: It's the wall of the kids' room. It looks, I don't know. I could swear . . .

Yuppie Mother: What?

Yuppie Father: Well, doesn't it look like it's . . . bulging?

Yuppie Mother: Don't be silly. You know the house inspector gave us the thumbs-up.

Yuppie Father: Just the same, could we have made a mistake, you know, building a new house right on the edge of the icefield?

Yuppie Mother: What do you mean?

Yuppie Father: Well, what would happen if it wasn't receding? What would happen if it was . . . growing?

Yuppie Mother: But it's a glacier. They don't do that . . . do they?

Narrator: Suddenly, without warning, it happens. Nature's third-most-destructive element lets loose with terrifying force.

(Cut to the Glacier)

Teenage Guy: Over here, Suzie. This looks like a swell place to make out.

Teenage Girl: I don't know, Todd. Don't you think it's a little dangerous, being right next to that wall of overhanging ice?

Teenage Guy: What, the glacier? Come on. It's not like it's moving or anything.

Teenage Girl: Well, OK. If you think it's safe.

Teenage Guy: Course it is, you fraidy-cat. (They snuggle on a blanket) There, now isn't this nice and cozy?

Teenage Girl: You bet. (A rumbling) What was that?

Teenage Guy: Excuse me. (Another rumbling) Wait, that wasn't me. Maybe you're right. Let's get our blanket and go someplace else. (They get up. A rumble) What the . . . ? That's funny, it's like the blanket's stuck or something.

Teenage Girl: It's the glacier, Todd! It's got the blanket! (A rumble) We've got to run!

Teenage Guy: Don't be silly. Here, I'll just pull it free.

Teenage Girl: No! Don't! Just leave the blanket! Let's get out of here!

Teenage Guy: I've almost got it. Just one more tug . . . (Big rumble)

Teenage Girl: It's shaking the ice loose!

Teenage Guy and Girl: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (Long pause. They scream again) AAAAHHHH! (Long pause. They're starting to look a bit bored. Then again) Aaaaaaahhhhhh!

(Cut to Sheriff and Geologist, standing over the blanket)

Sheriff: Poor kids. They never had a chance. Still can't figure out why they'd burrow under a glacier like this.

Panicked Geologist: I don't think they did, Sheriff. I think this is a very special kind of glacier.

Sheriff: What do you mean?

Panicked Geologist: This glacier . . . thinks.

Sheriff: That's crazy. (A beat) Isn't it?

Panicked Geologist: And I think . . . it doesn't like us.

(Cut to Yuppie Couple)

Yuppie Father: My God! Look at that wall! It's bulged in at least 2 inches since February!

Yuppie Mother: George, I think it's the glacier. I think it's after the children!

Yuppie Father: If that's true, what do we do? At this rate, it will be through that wall in . . . (Quick calculation) five or six months!

Yuppie Mother: Oh, my God!

(Cut to Town Meeting)

Panicked Geologist: You fools! You don't have 60 years to plan for your big gala! By that time, the outskirts of this town will be covered! And before your tricentennial, this whole place will be one vast sheet of ice!

Council Member: Mister, you're scaring these people. Now, we don't need some out-of-town scientist sounding an alarm just because a couple of kids went and throwed themselves under a big hunk of

permafrost.

Sheriff: He's telling the truth! If we don't develop some evacuation plans in the next 10 years, your great-grandchildren are in horrible danger!

Council Member: No overgrown snow cone is going to stop us from the biggest tourist attraction this community has ever known!

Mayor: Throw these two lunatics out!

Panicked Geologist: We need flame-throwers! Gasoline moats! Electric blankets! You idiots are courting disaster!

Narrator: It's coming, and no force on Earth can stop it.

(Cut to the Glacier. Facing it is the Panicked Geologist)

Panicked Geologist: So. We're alone now, you and I. And although you may not think I'm much more than a flea next to you, I'm here to tell you that you're facing a man. That's right, a man, a man with a brain, and a strong body, and a woman that's worth fighting for. And if you're going to try to beat me, you're going to have to kill me. Because there's no other way you're getting past me. (Pause. Then he screams) Why don't you answer me, you bastard?

Narrator: Glacier. Walk for your lives.

 
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